Vegans and unethical swine (no offense meant to swine, it is hard to combat the ingrained anthropocentrism of our language) of the world, I come to you to deliver a manifesto. Vegans, you have been hoodwinked, tricked into believing that you have succeeded at ethical consumption. But the world conspires against your noble cause, bloodying your hands and your mouths with the lifeblood of countless millions. Progress has been made, but progress is about forward motion; we cannot rest now. You are less murderous than the flesh-crazed monsters we walk among, this is true. But consider the words of ethical philosopher Emmanuel Levinas: “The more I am just, the more guilty I am” (Totality and Infinity, 244). You may be less murderous, but you are all the more guilty.

What are we guilty of, Kale-faces? We are contributing to the very destruction of all animal life on this planet. We may have stopped eating bacon and cheese – I miss you, cheese – NO! NO! CHEESE IS TORTURE! – but we have not erased our footprint completely. Or even a little. Consider the following.

What Is Veganism?

Veganism, as defined by woefully inadequate definition-mongers PETA2 (twice as PETA as the original), is “strict vegetarianism” and involves eating neither animal flesh nor animal byproducts, nor the use of products made from or tested on animals.


A more encompassing and better definition comes from Jack Norris, RD, the director and co-founder of Vegan Outreach:

Being vegan to me means one thing: an attempt to reduce the intense suffering of non-human animals. To me, saying “I’m vegan” is synonymous with saying, “I have decided to live a lifestyle that does not support animal exploitation.”

The great majority of animal suffering in the U.S. is a direct result of people buying animal products for food. I think it is important that vegans make the meaning of the word “vegan” to focus on avoiding the products that obviously/reasonably lead to animal suffering so that people will understand that it is not about personal purity but rather reducing suffering. If we could eliminate the animal agriculture industry, billions of beings would be spared miserable lives of suffering, pain, and slaughter.


Not supporting, not participating in animal exploitation and slaughter. This is the stand, vegan brothers and sisters. We call out the hypocrisy of the fleshfeasters, how they choose which animals are worthy of respect and which shall be slain to sate their sick appetites. We stand for equality, for animal rights, for the end to the genocide. They are upset about a lion, but they eat their chickens by the bucketful. That is the hypocrisy we are up against.

I am a strong advocate of scientifically rigorous veganism. We cannot avoid being as hypocritical as the meatlovers unless we successfully avoid exploiting, killing, and consuming all animals. We are working toward it, but we have not finished our work yet.


Let us begin, then, with the first change we need to make.

Veganism and the Environment

Let’s start with a very important principle. We all know that pollution from fossil fuels is a problem. It’s a major contributor to the current rising global temperatures, which means rapid changes to climates and unfathomable ecological impact. This adorable little golden toad, my late husband, went extinct in 1999 as the first animal to go extinct as a result of climate change.


Our choices matter. When we use fossil fuels, when we promote industrial farming, we kill the environment. We need to stop with the fossil fuels. We need to wean humanity from the dinosaur teat and use sustainable energy sources. No more cars, buses, motorboats, trains, or planes. No more plastics - they’re made from oil and they don’t biodegrade They’re destroying our planet and countless animal lives. Walk, ride a bike, row a boat, run, jump off a cliff and flap your arms - something, anything that isn’t reliant on using the ground up bodies of ancient animals to hold our water. If we’re going to be vegans, we shouldn’t use any animal products, including the animals that were here before humans ever evolved. Say no to fossil fuels. Say no to the death of our planet.


Veganism and your diet

We laugh when the fleshpeddlers claim their meat is cruelty free. Killing an animal to make your food is the definition of cruelty. They are liars, to the world around them and to themselves. They are to be pitied, for all that rotting meat has left their brains soft and tenderly succulent but not very smart.


Vegans must be truly cruelty free. Even if we don’t eat animals and don’t use animal by-products, we’re still not there. There’s more to do to be cruelty free.

Our entire agricultural system needs to be overhauled. The conversion of untamed land into farmland leads to the displacement of animal populations, directly impinging on the animals’ ability to survive. Many animals die simply because we farm.


The use of pesticides kills countless animals in order to ensure more bountiful crops. Pesticides get into the groundwater and proceed to kill far more than in just the localized area they are applied to. And don’t think it’s only big agriculture killing animals in the name of spinach - organic farmers use organic pesticides derived from bacteria to kill all the same animals as they would if they used artificial pesticides.

Our kale and wine are not bloodless, people. They are bloody. Every vegetable comes at the cost of animal life.


About the only way to go is foraging for wild plantlife. Don’t even bother with mushrooms - as fungi, they may be exploiting animal life themselves and eating them only profits over their exploitation of animal death.

As for water, don’t filter it - you’ll kill any animal life living in it that way. Don’t drink it or you’re consuming them. Drink from the sky, nature’s source of water. Only mother sky can give us water without cruelty. Hurricanes are good at delivering a lot of water fast, so consider bottling up to save for drier times.


The only vegan diet lifestyle properly in keeping with the mission is nomadic hunter-gathering, stalking the plants across the savanna waiting for just the right moment to ambush and strike so you can bring home your kill and wear the bark of your vanquished prey as a sign of your great virility and veganism.

Veganism and your sex life

Speaking of virility, the vegan mission is not without its requirements in the realm of sex. Veganism must require voluntary celibacy for all cis men as well and all trans women who still produce semen. Prior to menopause, cis women and all trans men still capable of menstruation must use birth control that stops the occurrence of periods. Therefore veganism requires that heterosexual relationships be only between cis women or non-seminating trans women and trans men or non-seminating cis men. Celibacy for all gay and bisexual men, unless they are non-seminating, and lesbianism for all other women (so long as any trans women are also non-seminating) is required. The best vegan is a cis lesbian or trans man who had a hysterectomy before their first period.


Every animal great and small must be protected and cherished, and that list includes the sperm and egg cells. They too are animals, and millions of sperm die with every act of ejaculation, while an egg dies with every ovulation. It is shameful how we condone such horrors visited upon these animal, whose rights and welfare must be guarded. The sperm have a home, a habitat they are natural to, and it is there that they may live their lives to the end of their days. Likewise the eggs, who also have a home and natural habitat, and must be protected. To drive them from their homes, to release them into hostile environments where their chance of survival is low, to eat them as some depraved people do - that is unconscionable.

It is vital that all cis men and trans women with functioning testicles cease sexual activity at once. It is vital that all cis women and trans men with functioning ovaries stop the monthly bloody slaughters. Not even for procreation must we release sperm and eggs to their probable deaths. When the price for the life of one human is the lives of millions of animals, we should not condone the genocide. Every conception is a mass slaughter, a horror visited upon millions of lives. To dare call it “pro-life” to protect such grotesquery is a perversion.


A true vegan stands against the continuation of the human species via reproduction, for we are the greatest force of destruction ever visited upon our world.

Veganism beyond Earth

It is time we as a species consider our options. We are destroying the earth. Most of our fellow humans don’t even care. What is the vegan thing to do?


We must develop at minimum two technologies to have a hope of properly carrying out the mission of ending animal exploitation.

First, we must develop a way to live forever. If we value the human species, and we should as we too are animals, we must avoid cruelty to humans as well. If we are to cease reproduction, the only remaining option is immortality.


Second, we must figure out how to escape our planet and establish an off-world colony on a planet or moon with no animal life, seeding and terraforming so that it is possible to cultivate crops and farm without harming animals. Once we have done so, we must then remove all humans from Earth and leave the planet as a nature preserve.

Upon doing so, it will be humanity’s duty to try to avert meteor strikes which threaten the balance of nature left after we are gone. Humanity will become Earth’s watchful protectors, a race of immortals protecting the beauty of nature. And when the Octopoids and Squidlings rise from the seas and discover our existence, we will be advanced but stagnant due to our immortality while they’re vitality and access to the ruins of our civilization will allow them to rise up to exact revenge for our treatment of their ancestors.

Only this time they will succeed and we will get our final comeuppance.

Image credit Healthy Vegan Coach

Image credit Science News