As a white man, I'm well-aware of our propensity for destroying everything we touch. From rock and roll to just about every group of indigenous people on the planet, we love nothing more than stealing things, wrecking them, and then telling everyone that it was like that when we got here and we made it anyway, so fuck you.

In episode infinity of Shit White Guys Make Everyone Hate, we look at the e-cigarette, which was touted as a safe and effective alternative to regular cigarettes by the white guy that insists on puffing on it everywhere smoking isn't allowed. E-cigarettes have always been a little dodgy, because much like CrossFit, any possible health benefits are overshadowed by the fact that its proponents are literally the worst people. But white dudes have taken the (maybe) non-zero number of redeeming qualities that e-cigarettes possess and stubbed them out with extreme prejudice.

We had to see it coming, to be honest. Here's a quick reference guide for whether a thing will be ruined by White Guys:


I was puzzled as to what made e-cigarettes so appealing to a certain variety of white man. Was it their hearkening back to a bygone era, but in an aggressively awful way, like the fedora? Was it a misguided appeal to masculinity, like the chinstrap beard? Was it the sense of independence that can only be satiated by dependence on a substance that destroys everything it comes in contact with, like the Republican Party? It turned out the truth was as obvious as it was saddening.

The e-cigarette craze among white men is driven by entitlement, pure and simple. There's nothing that we white men like better than prioritizing our own enjoyment over the comfort of others. We're willing to look stupid to do it, obviously. If we can put other people out in order to avoid minimal inconvenience, we will follow Stephen Dorff to the ends of the earth.


For all the (dubious) talk of e-cigarettes as a smoking aid and (again, dubious) a safe alternative to tobacco cigarettes, the real allure of e-cigarettes is the ability to be a nuisance to others, which is a favorite activity of white men and libertarians - both of whom are big fans of e-cigarettes and are also basically synonyms.


There's not much that can be done to dissuade white men, unfortunately - when the world is governed by our rules and caters to our tastes, there are always some among us (NOT ALL WHITE MEN) that will do whatever they can to remind everyone that the world revolves around them. All you can do is legislate around us when you can and actively avoid us when you can't.

When all else fails, just laugh at white guys when we start puffing on a cumbersome and stupid mechanical cigarette. White guys can do a lot of things - like breakdancing, which we totally invented - but we are awful at being the butt of jokes, even though we make it so damn easy.


Damn, white guys suck.

Joshua David can be found on Twitter at @joshuaadavidd.