What is the Powder Room?
What is the Powder Room?
Illustration for article titled Shut the Fuck Up, Jim Harbaugh

Jim Harbaugh is the coach of the NFL's San Francisco 49ers. He's best known for blowing Super Bowls, wearing awful pants, and generally acting like a fucking child and consummate dick. Apparently, ol' Jim couldn't wait another two weeks for the NFL Draft to remind everyone that he's a shitmouth, so he decided to say something really stupid. You know, so we don't forget.


Harbaugh was speaking to the media today for the first time since his star quarterback, Colin Kaepernick, became the subject of a Miami PD investigation into an incident that occurred there on April 1 between Kaepernick, an unnamed woman, and two other NFL players. In case you're unfamiliar with the story, here's the general timeline:

• The woman arrives at the Viceroy Hotel to visit the three players.
• Everyone is drinking, and the woman is told that in order to drink her shot, she's required to take a "hit" of marijuana from the men's bong.
• The woman feels lightheaded and goes to a back bedroom. She's followed by Kaepernick, with whom she's had a past sexual relationship. He kisses and undresses her.
• At some point, without having sex, Kaepernick leaves the room. The other two men peek in on the nude woman, who yells at them to close the door. They do.
• After this point, the woman remembers nothing until she wakes up in a hospital bed. She has no idea how she got to the hospital or who brought her.
• She gave a statement to the police because she HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HER.
• Idiots debate what a drunk slutty slut the woman is, how much of Kaepernick's money she's after, and how much of a liar she is.


Rape culture and jock culture spring eternal. A woman doesn't even have to accuse an athlete of sexual assault before she's, in a bizarre and familiar contradiction, both to blamed for the assault and lying about it happening in the first place. Occasionally, highly-paid NFL coaches get in on the act too. Speaking at the 49ers facility after working out some draft prospects, Harbaugh had this to say in response to the investigation:

"At some point there needs to be a resolution to this scenario. The only victim in Colin's case is Colin's reputation."


"Looking at Colin Kaepernick's situation, at some point there needs to be a resolution to some of this jump-the-gun, witch-hunt scenario we're seeing. I've seen one side reported. I've heard the other side and feel very good there'll be a good resolution, and hopefully a just one, too. I hate to see his reputation be the victim.


I, your humble author, have a simple suggestion in response.

Shut the fuck up, Jim Harbaugh.

I don't know if that woman was sexually assaulted, and neither does Jim Harbaugh. The only people that know that are some combination of Colin Kaepernick, Quinton Patton, and Ricardo Lockette. What we know is that a woman was in a terrifying situation, a situation in which countless women HAVE been violated, by white men and black men and strong men and weak men, husbands and fathers, best friends and role models.


Jim Harbaugh should know that women don't report sexual assaults lightly. Harbaugh would do well to familiarize himself with this chart:

Illustration for article titled Shut the Fuck Up, Jim Harbaugh

Women who report assaults by athletes face even more scrutiny. Women who report assaults by athletes are told not to ruin the man's life, often by the police, who are very often loath to pursue the case with even the slightest modicum of concern or urgency. In the literally outrageously rare case when a sexual assault case against an athlete leads to a conviction, the athlete will be revered for "overcoming adversity." A woman that accuses an athlete is basically guaranteed to have her name leaked.

I don't know what happened in that hotel room on April 1st. Colin Kaepernick may very well be innocent of any crime. But no matter what the legal outcome of this case, if there's a victim, it's sure as hell not the multimillionaire athlete's reputation. This woman deserves a thorough and professional investigation, not this embarrassing display from a rich asshole whose most marketable skill is winning at a game. Shut the fuck up, Jim.


Jim Harbaugh has three daughters.

Joshua David can be found on Twitter at @joshuaadavidd.

Images via Mike Roemer and RAINN.

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