First off, go to LaComtesse's resume and read it first. And hire her. For whatever. She's way cooler than me.

But I'm currently also considering either a career shift or a job change, so here's my real resume:


Trivia Nerd (1983-present)

  • Ari is extremely knowledgeable about lots of weird shit. Ever want to know why Buddhism became a Japanese institution? Do you wonder why there are so many Dutch names in the older parts of NYC? Would you like to be told about the movie that most of Star Wars was based on? If so, Ari is the best hire for your organization


Avid Internet Person

  • Nobody works all day. Ari is really good at spending most of his time not causing problems by arguing with people on the Internet. Like, really really good. People often wonder how he has time to maintain presence online and is still lauded as a good employee at his jobs. He doesn't get it either.
  • Knows HTML 2.0. If you need a webpage built that looks like it was tailor-made for Geocities, I'm your person!


General Nerd

  • Plays video games (he has beaten Ninja Gaiden once. He's very proud of that.) Has owned the following game systems: NES, SNES, Genesis, Sega-CD, N64, PlayStation, PlayStation 2, PlayStation 3, Dreamcast, Xbox, Xbox 360, Gameboy, Gamegear, Gameboy Color, Gameboy Advance, Nintendo DS, Sony PSP, Nintendo 3DS, Wii.
  • Total film nerd. Has watched 90% of the AFI top 100 lists, and maintains an extensive knowledge of film. Has also seen The Room.
  • Plays board games (also is a great DM in Shadowrun!) Will make your runners hate Mr. Johnson.
  • Loves sci-fi (has read Foundation). Also knows the differences between all Enterprises, can name most canonical ships, weapons, and planets in Star Wars, and wishes he could fight the Reapers too, dammit.
  • Loves fantasy (has read The Silmarillion). Owns Anduril, the sword of King Elessar. Sometimes wields it and pretends he's awesome.
  • Knows more about tech than the people at Gizmodo think they know about tech. Actually gets paid to work in tech. Kind of hates tech. He contains multitudes.


Dog Owner

  • Seriously, look at that face.


  • Taught a shiba inu to be friendly and welcoming toward strangers, as well as over a dozen tricks
  • Goes absolutely googly eyed over cute puppies, guaranteed

Language Skills

  • Fluent Japanese
  • Fluent karate terminology (osu! kiai irete! kamaete! sanchin dachi!)
  • Passable Spanish, once went to Mexico and didn't order the wrong thing
  • Knows how to say he can't speak German in German or French in French
  • Knows enough Cantonese to order dim sum
  • Can count to 10 in Mandarin and got yelled at by a TA for speaking Mandarin like a Japanese person (very meta)
  • Understands some doctor

Honors and Accolades

  • Once impressed someone with his deep knowledge of Tolkien.
  • Lives in Orange County, CA and has not yet killed anyone while commuting
  • Has really low auto insurance rates
  • Once almost didn't lose to a Korean player in Starcraft