Ugh. Resumes. A boring list of boring jobs where you desperately try to overstate your accomplishments and in an attempt to make every mundane task sound impressive and important. The format is dry and specific, yet vague as to how, exactly, you are supposed to go about things.

Well, they say you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. I say, submit a resume for the job you really want that truly gives employers a clear picture as to who you are. To wit: my real resume.

LaComtesse


Experience

Sandwich Visionary
Always and Forever

  • Possess love of and dedication to sandwiches so strong that once cried when delivery guy brought wrong sandwich and would not come back to bring correct one; swore revenge; still plotting

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Cartoon and Cereal Connoisseur
1985–Present

  • Will spend hours watching episode after episode of shows including, but not limited to The Venture Brothers; The Simpsons; Archer; The Critic; My Little Pony (keep hating, haters: friendship is magic); Bob’s Burgers while eating cereals including, but not limited to Life; Grape Nuts; Cascadian Farm Multigrain Squares with Splenda; Frosted Mini Wheats; Raisin Bran Crunch


Trampoline Enthusiast
July 1995–Present

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  • First jumped on one of those large trampolines when 13 years old at a 4th of July block party in Connecticut, whereupon I felt elation for the first time in life
  • Have continued joyfully leaping into the air while giggling since that time without breaking any bones or sustaining even superficial bodily harm


Non-Annoying Facebook Friend
2006–Present

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  • Regularly praised for status updates, comments, and captions
  • Do not share any picture or status that suggests only 3% of people will re-post
  • Consistently run dubious, jingoistic, or sensationalist stories through Snopes.com to prevent the promulgation of erroneous information
  • Do not engage in Facebook flame wars unless it is to post a comment making fun of said flame war, thus undermining both it and the combatants

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Game of Thrones Expert
September 2010–Present

  • Have A Wiki of Ice and Fire bookmarked on the home screen of my iPad; visit site approximately 5 times a day to better research and understand the lavish world of George R. R. Martin; familiar with House histories and the geography of both Westeros and Pentos
  • Planned, down to specific details, my marriage to Jaime Lannister (event management experience)
  • Had very detailed dream the other night wherein I was sent by Daenerys Targaryen to treat with Asha and Balon Greyjoy to secure the release of Theon Greyjoy from Ramsay Bolton; handled self with aplomb and strongly believe these diplomatic skills would translate into real life situations
  • Coordinate outfits to reflect the spirit of the major Houses and demographics of Westeros in a recurring column, “Game of Threads” on Jezebel’s Powder Room

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Mother
September 2011–Present

  • Delivered first child (male, 8 pounds 4 oz, strawberry blonde hair) by caesarian section after 18 hours of labor
  • Breastfed 17 months; thoroughly enjoyed approximately 16 months, but ended to pursue other feeding opportunities when I began to feel like a vending machine. (Continued to work under the same employer)
  • Capable of performing the same task, over and over, for hours at a time. These tasks include, but not limited to reading There’s a Wocket in My Pocket, Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, etc; Peek-a-Boo; Pushing a swing from the magnolia tree in my front yard; Calling, at the behest of my employer, to an imaginary squirrel that lives in back yard, whom my employer would like to find; Refilling an old tin of crayons that my employer dumps out immediately thereafter
  • Reference available (providing you consider assorted colors scribbled on a torn Disney Princess coloring book page to be a reference, otherwise, YouTube videos and hilarious pictures may be used to prove superior parenting)

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Language Skills

  • Decent French
  • Passable Spanish
  • Fluent and impressive Pig Latin
  • Proficient in whatever language my 2 year old speaks
  • Proficient Drunkgirlese

Honors, Accolades, and Special Skills

  • Was told by several old Greek women in old neighborhood “You care about your baby!” because his stroller was pretty high off the “filthy ground”
  • Laudable eyebrows and shiny hair
  • Tampon Poet Laureate
  • GIF Mistress
  • Have "Tramp Stamp," but most agree it's pretty tasteful