Hey you guisssse! Burt here, live and jumping for the live-blog of Top Chef. You can also follow along on the Twitter thing with me at @AmericasBaby1 (shit, I pick the stupidest fucking names for shit. Someone needs to stop letting me near the computer when I'm drinking. If you tweet me some funny shit I'll be sure to include it here in the liveblog thingie.)
Throughout this live-blog, I will be guided by Burt Reynolds in Gator. You may refer to me as 'Cajun Burt' from here on out.
9:01 Alright, I just survived the last seven minutes of 'Million Dollar Listing!' It's time to get shit going. They are in New Orleans. Be prepared for lots of puns on 'The Big Easy,' and challenges that involve cooking gator or reimagining terrible Emeril Lagasse dishes.
9:02 So, while they make all the boring introductions and talk about themselves as 'rogues' or 'wild cards,' why don't you all tell me what you had for dinner tonight? I had some leftover Vodka. Because, you know me, I like to reuse my Vodka.
9:06 I love when people get freaked out on Top Chef when they have to cook. "WHAT? WE'RE COOKING? HOLY SHIT WHAT A CURVE BALL. I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS. CAN ANYONE TEACH ME HOW TO USE A STOVE? OMG."
9:14 So far, very disappointed in the lack of mustaches this season.
9:17 TURTLE MEATBALLS! TURTLE FUCKING MEATBALLS.
9:27 Sorry I'm back; I had to deal with a dog situation. I'm back. Did any of the turtles come to life and kill the chefs yet?
9:30 Padma says she has never been to a swamp. That's funny, because my sources at The Swamp Times say she's very well-known for her late-night swamp outings. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO HIDE FROM US PADMA?
9:33 TURTLE MEATBALL IS THE CLEAR WINNER. DO NOT DENY THE GREATNESS OF TURTLE MEATBALL.
9:34 Ladies and gentlemen, a 'duo of turtle:'
9:37 I feel like if I want to realistically afford any of these fancy highfalutin LG appliances, I would just have to marry a drug dealer or something.
9:42 So, who is actually playing this 'PLAY ALONG LIVE' shit that Bravo is pimping? Be honest, is it better or worse than just playing Candy Crush while you're watching this thing?
9:43 I love how everyone using the turtle serves the tiniest fucking portion of meat humanly possible. Like 'If I just make this horrible shit small,no one will notice that they are eating a fucking turtle.'
9:45 Back in the judges room. The judges look thrilled that they are no longer putting turtle and alligator in their mouth.
9:47 HOLY SHIT TURTLE MEATBALLS!!! I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE TURTLE MEATBALLS!!! BEHOLD TURTLE MEATBALL DOMINATION.
9:50 So serving fresh pasta out in the middle of a swamp is a terrible idea? *cancels plans to open Olive Garden franchise in the middle of bayou*
9:52 'Pounded out alligator meat' is the greatest thing anyone has said in the past three seasons of this show.
9:58 Obligatory 'I know I'm better than this dish' goodbye speech. Are any of us really better than alligator served to a bunch of drunk extras hired by Bravo to stand around a swamp? I think not, dude.
Oh we have some good shit coming up, including a 'he's faker than Pamela Anderson's breasts,' comment. See you next week; I'm off to get drunker than one of Andy's guests on Watch What Happens Live.