Welcome to our first round of hate-reading Town & Country, a very pretty magazine that does a decent job of poking fun at itself, but not a decent enough job, IMHO. So zip up your Barbour jacket, slip on your bespoke house shoes and hug your purebred Golden Retriever for warmth, 'cause we're about to go New England snowpocalypse up in here and get cold. (And white. Very, very white.)
Have you been to France? Because if you have, and you returned home without yards of raw artisanal Basque fabric, you have disappointed literally everyone in your life. Even me, and I don't even know you. Let's not go through this awkwardness again, okay? Town & Country has thoughtfully pulled together a list of French stuff you need to damn well bring home next time. "You shouldn't face your family and friends if you haven't brought home one of these," says Town & Country, and AMEN TO THAT.
I see you over there, wearing mismatched dirty socks while you mix your breakfast martini. I see you too, flip-flops. We are slobs, all of us, and that's why we need to invest in these $500-ish bespoke monogrammed house shoes. (Forget this "slippers" nonsense, they'll always be house shoes to me.)
I'm having mine embroidered with Kim K and Amber Rose. KK is the left foot. Duh.
Lilly Pulitzer: doing the Lord's work convincing rich folks to drop a lot of cash on the inherently hideous. (Disclosure: I…kind of love Lilly Pulitzer. I know, I know.)
Town & Country has composed a list of things they think you should know about Lilly, but I'm going to sum it up real quick: Lilly once rode donkeys on the frontier (the frontier!), and basically what else does one need to know? We're done here.
I hate to ski, which is the actual reason I didn't get into Yale. If you think I'm joking, just try applying to Yale. That's the first thing they ask you.
Needless to say, attitudes like mine cut, like, zero ice with Town & Country. So despite the fact that I hate to ski, I am including this list of very fancy ski items because it includes a Flo Rida reference next to a photo of Brigitte Bardot.
And lest you get a little too enthusiastic about your après outfits, we also get a helpful reminder about jewelry protocol when hitting the slopes (hint: wearing a $1500 Moncler jacket = good, wearing a $1500 diamond necklace = you are a nouveau riche garbage person).
I am SO tired of poor people and their hideously clashing outerwear/vehicle combinations. Seriously, who is letting you leave the house like that? You are embarrassing yourself.
Fortunately for all of us, Land Rover and Barbour have partnered to produce matching sets of very expensive vehicles (now with extra Corgi-toting capacity!) and very expensive puffer vests.
Town & Country had this to say about the collaboration:
"True to form, the outerwear offerings are made to withstand the whims of the weather, driving home the point that just because you are in the safe confines of a luxury SUV doesn't mean you should forsake good sartorial taste."
Are you wearing a neon tank top? Do you think a paddle court is something out of Fifty Shades of Grey? You are not a Young Prep in NYC.
...You might be in HAIM though.
All images via Town & Country
If you're interested in contributing to my bespoke-house-shoe Kickstarter fund, are in fact a Young Prep in NYC with a connection to a great paddle court (or are in HAIM), feel free to contact me at tomservosSVUcameo@gmail.com.