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Le Placard de LaComtesse: Met Gala Edition

Holy crap, you guys: Met Gala! (You have to imagine that when I say "Met Gala!" I'm doing spazzy, overenthusiastic jazz hands and hopping from foot to foot.) This event, above and beyond all others, is perfect for mon petit placard. As you know, Le Placard is dedicated to the examination of questionable garments. And while the Oscars is the night for everyone to oooh and ahhh over the pretty princess dresses (no judgment: it's fun), the Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, hosted by the Dread Queen Anna Wintour is much edgier and therefore so full of questions.

This is not a best and worst dressed list—it would be pretty easy to mock some of the more blatantly awful looks of the evening (Madonna! Bitch, please!). But rather than do that, I've decided to take some of the more questionable items of the evening and assess those. Starting with...

Sarah Jessica Parker, Giles Deacon dress and Philip Treacy head piece


And yes, those are plaid thigh-high boots. The boots alone would be a lot, but SJP has paired them with a very busy ballgown, overly intricate hair, and an enormous mohawk head piece (an homage to the evening's punk theme) that looks sort of like something a fancy horse would wear while drawing Cinderella's carriage.

I love. the. shit. out. of. everything. about. this.

There is not a single misstep in this outfit. I know people will look at the headpiece alone and freak out, and others will say "Mixing patterns? Crazy head gear? If this is considered fashionable I'm glad I don't get it!" Those people are jerks. I would wear this. I would wear the fuck out of it. I would wear it in Central Park while walking my pet peacocks (whom I shall call Flavius and Gerard Peacockblue) on a diamond leash. Don't worry, though. I'm not going to get snobby or out of touch: I will carry my own parasol.

Giovanna Battaglia, Dolce & Gabbana


Another lady remaining down to earth (her crown is made of safety pins) is this Giovanna. If you ever wondered what would happen if Holly Golightly, Goldfinger, and a Medival painting of Isabella I of Castile got sloppy drunk and had a baby, look no further. While there are a couple missteps in this outfit (fishnets, even if they were keeping in "punk" theme, and the black straps showing through the mesh top, and possible the bell sleeves), I actually think it's pretty bitchin'. Opulent, sort of crazy, tacky, but very pretty. I'd wear this, but I'd probably leave the peacocks home that day—I don't need people thinking I'm crazy.

Beyoncé, Givenchy


Remember when Hawaiian shirts were really big for a while there in the 90s? (Around the time Romeo + Juliet came out, I guess?) And the patterns got progressively louder and louder until the term "Hawaiian" could only be applied very loosely because there was nothing remotely tropical about the pattern? Okay. So I guess Bey took a bunch of those old shirts and sewed them onto an ill-fitting black dress then took a belt to it. Then she said "Oh look! I have a whole bunch of shirts left. I hate to waste them. Matching tux for Jay? Nah. New onesie for Blue Ivy? Nah. Boots?! Of course!" Let me be very clear: if you hated the fact that Kim Kardashian's gloves matched her dress, you can't love the fact that B's boots match hers just because she's Beyoncé. I'm afraid you might be doing that. Stop. Stop doing it. Even the train on this dress makes me sad, and I'm a girl who loves a train. I would not wear this, and I wish Bey hadn't, either.

Anne Hathaway, Valentino


If you nice people wouldn't mind, I'd like to have a private chat with Ms. Hathaway:

Hi there best-friend-cum-spirit-animal-whom-everyone-else-has-turned-on-but-I-still-love! Air kisses! *kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss* Are we still on for a peacock play date next week? Great! Hey listen: I don't mean to rock your world, girl, but we besties have to keep it real with each other. Your dress is questionable. Some people will say it is downright bad, but it isn't. This vintage Valentino has much to recommend it—the sheerness, the texture, the sideboob. Love. The feathers on the sleeves? Ummm... I'll be honest: I can't even. What makes me saddest about them is that they are such an easy fix. There's one woman in the entire world who can pull off feathers like that, and that's one of my other best friends, Miss Joan Rivers. So, you know I love you girl, but I would not wear this dress. (Related note: I, like you, am happy to know that the hair dye is temporary.)

Kristen Stewart, Stella McCartney


What. The. Actual. Fuck. Kristen. Stewart. I'd ask what you were thinking, but you obviously weren't. I mean, my own feelings on one-piece pants outfits aside: blegh! Okay, though— I get it. I'm a big Sally O'Malley fan, too, and it was nice of her to loan you her fanciest ensemble. I like that she's not one of those gals who cares about her age: she's 50! And she can kick and she can streeeeeetch! But you are at the Met Gala: there's a difference between a fashion risk and... whatever abomination this hell is. The worst part? There are those out there who are downright lauding this monstrosity. Why would they do that? Why would they do that, everyone?!?!?! I guess this one outfit, for me, is emblematic of K-Stew in general: I am pretty horrified by how awful the creative content is, but lots of people are absolutely smitten. Hands down, I think this is the worst look of the evening. You might even say this was the Breaking Dawn of Met Gala outfits.

So which questionable clothes caught your eye? There were so many I can't get to I would love to see your thoughts!

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