It’s that time again! Here at Le Placard, I take some time to answer questions about questionable articles of clothing and tell you whether or not I would wear them. This week, we take a peek at three (of the many, many, many) questionable items over at ModCloth, an online store devoted to putting out vintage inspired clothing. I am an unabashed fan of this site… but sometimes what is billed as “vintage” is actually “a horrifying attempt to revive a fashion that died for a reason…oh my god it’s coming right for us! Shoot it! SHOOT IT!” So you shoot it. You are left trembling and frightened, wondering what sort of Frankenstein-like mad man would commit the unholy act of creating such a monstrosity. They say those that do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. Let’s see how ModCloth’s more questionable items fair...
Desert in the Distance Dress ($62.99)
Where have I seen this dress before? Was it featured on a runway in Milan? Did I see it on a red carpet? Have I glimpsed it on a reality TV “star” in the pages of US Weekly? No, no, I think I have to go back further. Oh! I remember.
That's right, it was created by Ariel: the mermaid princess with hilarious misconceptions about the use of everyday objects and no concept of human aesthetics.
*insert deadpan here*
This awfulness aside (I would not wear this), it does provide a good space for me to talk about the broader issue of The Mullet Dress. I saw these suckers popping up left and right last year-ish—knee-length or higher in the front, calf-length or lower in the back. I’m so over these things. They almost always look poorly constructed and cheap and more often than not they actually are. I’m not saying there are no good mullet dresses out there, but I am saying there are few good mullet dresses out there, and I’ve never seen a mullet dress that wouldn’t look better with a uniform hemline. They’re sort of like actual mullets. I think we will agree that there are very few good mullets. But every now and then, you get one that sort of looks passable, like on the cast of Lord of the Rings. Yet every one of those men, elves, hobbitses and dwarves would look better if they would say to the party in the back “Come on, dude: it’s time to pack it up.”
The Joys Are Back Pants ($59.99)
A fabulous commenter (and I hope she will beg my pardon for not calling her out by name, but I couldn't find our lovely discussion from a few weeks ago—come forward lady!) brought these to my attention. These are über questionable. Since becoming a mom, I have been extra special wary of anything that might be mom jeans. I already got accused of getting "the mom chop" when I hacked off my mid-back length hair to embrace a long-desired pixie cut, so I will be damned if I am accused of wearing mom jeans as well. Oh. And let's talk about the fact that the white-stitched pockets look sort of like built in saddle bags or something.
I can't do it, you guys. I can't hate them. I imagine wearing them with a great, girly wedge and a kerchief around my neck with movie star sunglasses while bringing a cigarette to my bright red lips. I would probably look a chubby wreck wearing these pants, but I couldn't help but wear them, or at the very least try them on.
Twinkling Transformation Dress ($79.99)
Let me start with the good news about this dress. The good news is that there is a decent sized list of people who can absolutely wear this dress. To whit:
- Queen Frostine
- An extra in a high school play
- Honey Boo Boo
- A contestant on So You Think You Can Dance
- Mariah Carey
- A contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race
- An NYU freshman named Alyssa who wants to go as the characters from Sleeping Beauty for Halloween with her friends, but who got really annoyed when Kayla called dibs on Princess Aurora, so now she is gussying up her Mistress Merryweather costume so she still looks hot (You're an idiot, Alyssa: Merryweather is the best one. And it's not a Merryweather costume just because it's blue and you added a pair of wings you bought at Ricky's on your way here... and those arent even proper fairy wings. Those are angel wings! Didn't you see the feathers?)
- A butterfly that has been turned into a human and is going to prom with the most popular boy in school
The bad news is if you are anyone else, for the love of god, you should not wear this dress.