*As always with the series, expect spoilers up through where the show has left off*

Throughout his approximately 4,884 page series, George R.R. Martin introduces us to myriad horrible characters. Child murderers, rapists, incestuous pedophiles, traitors, evil witches, and duplicitous villains abound. But perhaps in the entire series, no single character is hated quite as much as King Joffrey Baratheon.

We start off the series wary of Joffrey. Even before he reveals his true colors, we know that "beautiful and blonde" is often fantasy novel code for "danger! danger! beware!" Bit by bit, we learn that Joffrey is not only a spoiled, selfish child, but deluded and evil. Our hatred of him is firmly and irrevocably sealed when he orders the death of Ned Stark. You'd think that would be the pinnacle of our hatred for this sociopathic little shit, but it's not. By gum, it's somehow not.

Regardless of your worldview, politics, walk of life, or age, Joffrey somehow embodies everything we loathe about "the younger generation." He is the kind of guy who smashes up the brand new luxury car he got for his Super Sweet 16, gets a new one the next day, and never even sends flowers to the poor woman he put in the hospital. He is every asshole who was given everything, doesn't deserve it, doesn't even appreciate it, but will rub it in your face every chance he gets so that you never forget it.

One thing he will almost certainly rub in your face are his sweet threads. So what would he wear in this day and age?


Flat brim

Because he would absolutely have co-opted this look and claim that he was wearing them before anyone. I picked this one because Joffrey is many things, but "subtle" is not one of them.


An Impeccable Suit

This would almost certainly not be Joffrey's idea—it would be either Tywin or Tyrion's—but he would eventually be down with it. (This particular suit is a Ralph Lauren and has the illusion of a broader shoulder than the wearer actually has, which is also super-Joffrey-ish.)


An Ed Hardy T-shirt

Because Joffrey WOULD ruin a wonderful suit with an Ed Hardy shirt, which is basically short-hand for "insufferable douchebag." This shirt has lion on it, because even though Joffrey technically identifies as a Baratheon (officially if not genetically) he has nevertheless always been more proud of his Lannister lineage. This shirt is also technically a children's t-shirt, which delights me and totally works.


$1,300 Gold High Tops

There are no words for the horror and disgust I feel knowing these monstrosities exist. So the only thing I can do to express my disdain is to assure you that if Joffrey were real and alive today, he would, without a doubt, own these shoes.


So there you have it: how to dress like Joffrey Baratheon. Of course, this general look probably appears pretty familiar to you...