It has been a while, dudes. In order to excuse Game of Threads' prolonged absence (with something other than the truth, which is that I have been busy at work), I will pay up with something unique—men's fashion!

Yes, my darling Jezebeaux (and wondrous nerds from other Gawker sites where this column has been shared) have politely followed along long enough and if there is one thing that Jezebel has taught me it's that we don't pay enough attention to the wants and needs of men.

Seriously though, my decision to do dudes this week is because I want to cover an important clan of Westeros—the Night's Watch—and ain't no ladies in sight in that crew... except for the fine whores of Moletown, but I don't know enough about them to guess about their wardrobe decisions.

While the Night's Watch is fraught with fascinating figures (OMG—look it up, guys. So, so cool: you will fall down the infamous Wiki of Ice and Fire Black Hole. No joke, that site is book marked on the home screen of my iPad), the most famous brother these days is none other than your surly high school boyfriend who was awful in retrospect, but for whom you still have a soft spot, because, hey, you were both kids—he was sorting out his shit—and he seems really nice now based on his Facebook pictures...I should message him...after all, he did introduce me to Radiohead : Jon Snow.

Jon Snow (who, according to at least one source, knows nothing) is the bastard son of Ned Stark (?????) and begins the books in awe of the Night's Watch. His uncle Benjen is the head ranger of the Black Brothers. Jon grew up always assuming that he would join the force, as was tradition for the non-inheriting sons of House Stark for generations. (Being so far north, and super into tradition, the Starks have always had close ties to the Wall. Bran the Builder, a Stark, even constructed the damn thing.)

A military fixture since the Age of Heroes, the Black Brothers of the Night's Watch have guarded the continent south of the Wall from the Others ("demons made of snow and ice and cold") for 8,000 years. Though it was once considered a great honor to serve—drawing 10,000 noblemen, knights, and men of ambition and valor—readers of A Song of Ice and Fire become familiar with the Night's Watch in its decline. Fewer than 1,000 now hold three of the force's 19 castles. And those 1,000... how do I put this delicately? Ummm... okay. You know how a lot of people have noted that the books are filled with lots of violence and rape? Yeah, the Night's Watch is composed of the dudes whose exploits of rape and violence were considered over-the-top even for Westeros. Since all crimes are forgiven once a man takes the black, the Wall has become more of a refuge for those who have no other choice than a vocation to be answered solemnly.

Needless to say, Jon's disillusionment does not take long. But, alas, the vows of the brotherhood are for life, and homeboy takes that very seriously. So what is he going to wear for the rest of his very cold, very celibate life?

Well, for starters, ya gotta wear all black. (Last time someone tried to sneak in some red it caused this great big thing.) And it had better be warm. So let's start with a thermal foundation...


And, to remind us moving forward that this is a blog about fashion, not practicality, a pair of skinny (but not too skinny) jeans

The Converse in the jeans picture will not do: you'll need a pair of combat style boots...


For your inner outer layer, I'm going with a leather cowl neck jacket. One—sort of badass. Two—since we can't play with color in this outfit, we're going to play with structure and texture.


And last—a cloak. In this case, a Salvatore Ferragamo Fall 2013 cloak... because we're not Wildlings, people...


So there you have it: my first (last?) foray into men's fashion. (Seriously: more of you blokes should wear more skirts to open up your options a bit!)