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Game of Threads: How to Dress for the Red Wedding

Because, let’s be honest: will there be any sort of Game of Thrones post this week that will not morph into “ZOMG YOU GUYS THE RED WEDDING! ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBB! CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! FUCK YOU, WALDER FREY!

Something that has annoyed me a great deal is that book readers have used this as a way to feel superior to people who only watch the show. Dudes. I am a book reader and a show watcher and I urge all of you: don’t be a dick about it. Don’t feel superior. Feel luckier (because the books are better), but superior? No one likes that kind of nerd—they’re a dose of entitlement away from talking about “fake geek girls.”


Rather than haughtily smile at people’s shock (okay, maybe you can giggle a teeny bit, but it should be a rueful giggle), remember how you felt. I have proposed that those of us who knew this was coming set up a field tent for those who were (rightfully) shocked on Sunday. There we will go all Florence Nightengale on our shell-shocked brothers and sisters. We will wrap them in blankets and give them warm soup and stroke their hair and lie that everything will be okay.

And so I, your Florence Nightengale of fashion*will help the healing process by examining what one should wear to the Red Wedding…

So first of all, if you are able to build a machine that transcends not only time, but reality (can the TARDIS do that? I don’t know, I don’t watch Dr. Who, but it seems plausible), and you end up at the Red Wedding tell Cat and Robb right away! Also kill Bolton and Frey as soon as you get the chance! Why are you just standing there?! Kill them now!

Anyway, assuming you can’t warn anyone, let’s start off with a Kevlar vest. I’ll just go ahead and assume it will stop arrows. I will probably also provide some protection against swords. (This is therefore especially suggested for pregnant women.)


Since throat slitting was quite popular at the RW, I’m also going to suggest a gorget. Traditionally worn under the breastplate and backplate on a suit of armor, the gorget is a simple neck protector (comes from the French for “throat”) and has the added benefit of actually looking pretty cool.


If you’re lucky enough to avoid having your throat slit, you may not be lucky enough to be out of the line of fountains of blood. So bring a rain pancho. As you can see, I’ve selected red, which is not only thematic but practical: you won’t see the stains!


And even though you have a pancho, you should accessorize with an umbrella...to protect you from those Rains of Castamere.


We’re almost done. Next you’re going to want to bring tissues.


Not just to dab your slightly watery eyes as Edmure and poor Roslin exchange vows and cloaks, but because Roooooooooooooooooooooob! Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind! Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?! My heart will never be unbroken! Why did this happen!?!?!?! (And their deaths, of course, will make you think about Ned, which is, even years later, still more painful.)

Last but not least, a vintage Dior dress…


Because the world as we know it may be falling apart, but we should still attempt to look good, damnit.

*not really.

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