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Game of Threads: How to Dress for the Purple Wedding

First of all I will apologize that this post is a titch late, but I don't think you can blame me: I've only now just stopped giggling in schadenfreude over last week's episode of Game of Thrones. What was I giggling about? Dudes. What wasn't I giggling about? The Lion and the Rose gave us endless giggle-worthy moments. Margaery's insane Texas beauty pageant wedding hair;

the amazing repartee between Olenna and Tywin— aka two of the biggest BAMFs in Westeros; Prince Oberyn's incredible digs at Lady Cersei; this GIF


and, of course, THIS:

Breathe it in, folks. Breathe it in as you remember all the shitastic shit this little shit has shit over the past several seasons. But now, like Monty Python's parrot, he is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life! THIS IS AN EX-KING JOFFREY!

So if the fact that a Dothraki wedding without at least three deaths is seen as a dull affair or the Red Wedding were not enough, the Purple Wedding should make it crystal fucking clear that you are never, never to accept a wedding invitation in George R.R. Martin's world. I'd suggest preparing a list of excuses in advance so that you are never caught off guard. Some reasonable suggestions for this world include...


- "Aw darn! I would really like to, but I'm scheduled to fuck my own sibling that day! Sorryyyyyy!"

-"Did you say the 14th? Shoot! That's an Old Gods holiday... like... a BIG ONE, if somewhat esoteric. I'm going to be in the Godswood all day."


-"I can't! I'm declaring myself king and starting a rebellion that week!"

-"I'll try to make it, but I'm pretty sure I'll have been betrayed by a friend and murdered by then." (<—has the benefit of truth, statistically speaking)


But suppose you couldn't get out of it this time: what should you wear to the Purple Wedding.

To start, you should wear a little black dress.


Why? Because these are good for both weddings and funerals. Considering the quick turnaround between the two in Westeros, it's a wise investment.

Next, very large dark sunglasses.


Because Joffrey is going to do a lot of stupid shit. A LOT of stupid shit. And that motherfucker is petty, so you don't want him or anyone else to catch your inevitable eyerolls.

A rain poncho.


Now, I suggested a poncho for the Red Wedding as well. In that case it was to protect yourself from the fountains of blood. In this case, it's to protect you from Joffrey throwing something at you. Be it wine, food, even money: whatever. Point is, there are 77 courses at this wedding and if you don't have a good poncho you're going to get at least 47 of those courses on you when Little King Temper Tantrum gets pissy about something.

A Camelbak Water Bottle.


Notice how there's no opening in this bottle (you have to bite down on that straw thingy to get a sip). This is a good thing when you're going to be around a whole fuckton of poison and people who like to do a lot of poisoning. This particular model has a t-rex on it, which is badass and maybe, just maybe, will scare people away from trying slip poison into your drink.


And then, finally, a great big smile.

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