It's time once again for another exciting round of hate-reading T&C! Yay!
I have to say, though, y'all - Town & Country has been challenging my convictions lately. You can only read so many articles on the preppy essentials and New England before you start to consider incorporating more tartan into your wardrobe and weigh the benefits of a move to Connecticut. I think I may have purchased a Barbour jacket and I definitely, DEFINITELY, have been like, more disapproving of the poor.
A dewy, resplendent Tom Servo (your's truly) upon awakening one recent morn: Hon? Let Smith know I'd prefer Earl Gray this morning. And SPLENDA, for God's sake, not like last time I KNEW THAT WAS SUGAR.
Mr. Servo: Are you saying you don't want your usual straight-from-the-bottle glugs of Pepsi?
All that aside, I have tried to hold on to my sense of journalistic integrity and commitment to holding Town & Country accountable for articles such as "Why Rich People Love to Surf" and "26 Signs You Went to Boarding School." (I am not making those up.) So, let's dive in and see what the WASPs in New Hampshire are up to!
As part of a "why go to Morocco when you can BUY some Moroccan-ish stuff online?" feature, Town & Country introduced us to these vintage "tea kettles." Tea kettles. Uh huh.
Tea kettles, schmea schkettles. These are clearly stylized, ornamental Tom Servo replicas waiving their hands in the ay-errr like they just don't cay-err.
Town & Country, this was a cute idea and all, but you should know this intrepid reporter cannot be bought. No! No matter how many MST3K references you sneak in or free embroidered house shoes you foist upon me as bribes, I will continue to shine a light on your nonsense.
The rest of the items on this list appear to be, with a few exceptions, either jaw-droppingly expensive (seriously, for these prices, remind me why we didn't just go to Morocco?), confusingly not-Moroccan, or both.
Note, for example, this Repossi ring, available to you at Barney's for $2,750. This didn't strike me as particularly Moroccan (more like Moraccal Kors, IMHO) so I took to the Google to look up Repossi, which turned out to be an Italian jewelry maker. So…¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Here some fun things about Easter:
- Dying eggs
- Easter egg hunts
- Peeps (for you peep-loving weirdos)
- Microwaving peeps (for the rest of us)
- Saying to hell with all of the above and finding a sunny patio upon which to day drink
Here are some not fun Easter things:
- Hand painting intricately detailed Easter eggs
- Fancy parties that will end in tears when a child (or me, after my fourth Gin rickey) inevitably damages the delicate and/or breakable decor
- When one of the egg-hunt Easter eggs isn't found until several weeks later and it is rotten and you just stepped on it :/
You can probably guess where Town & Country's guide to Easter decorating falls on the fun/not fun spectrum. But, if you're looking to sap all of the joy from your Christian, Jesus-loving children, please, force them to intricately paint easter eggs and endure a ganache-robin's-egg-cake that is only for Mommy's adult friends. They'll be Godless little heathens on Team Satan in no time! "Thou shalt create tiny floral arrangements inside of eggshells!...in the name of Satan I comma—" NOT NOW, SATAN. Jeez, post your own damn blog and get off my jock.
Also, T&C, we both know that bunnies, no matter whether rendered in porcelain as you suggest, or in Jackie O's melted down tortoiseshell sunglasses, absolutely defy the concept of elegance. To be a bunny is to be outside the very idea of elegance.
Now we come to how to wear a bow in your hair as an adult. These all seem like relatively good ideas at first glance, don't they? We look at the photos and we think, "hmmm, could be cute!" NO. This is like that time in elementary school when you tried to make all of your friends start calling you Trixie. You might think it's cute, but everyone else will just think you're...odd. I speak from experience.
I have no doubt that some of you, who are much cooler than me, can pull off a hair bow. For the rest of us, and you know who you are: NO. Not even when paired with a bold lip and a whimsical clutch.
Send complaints and/or photos featuring tragic hair bows to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Far be it from me, an occasional blogger, whose primary source is somebody else's magazine, to accuse anyone of lazy journalism. But I'm just saying, this is just a list of names that I could have also come up with.
I'm not convinced some of these aren't just totally made up. Peachy? Holtie? Topsy?
I'm also pretty sure that at least some of these do not count as nicknames - for instance, the nickname "Ford" is presented next to a photo of Henry Ford. But that was just his damn name.
And I mean, why is there no "Trixie" on this list? That is a very excellent nickname for fancy people, especially fancy people named Tom Servo. (And I still don't see why it was so hard for you to just start calling me that, Jenna from 5th grade.)
I feel like this post has mostly devolved into just some thoughts that I'm having, so let's go with it, shall we? I'll end with some of my own, completely original* free-verse poetry. Feel free to join me in the comments!
...This is how we do
We make a move and act a fool
While we up in the club
This is how we do
Nobody do it like we do it
So show us some love
Fresh like, uhh, Impala, unnh
Chrome hyrdaulics, 808 drums...
*original meaning stolen from G-Unit and 50 Cent
All images via Town & Country
If you'd like to debate the merits of adult hair bows or know someone named Topsy, feel free to contact me at tomservosSVUcameo@gmail.com.