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11 Things I Did Not Know About Kittens

1. You’re apparently not supposed to get them from the same litter because then they love each other more than you.

Kittens hide behind chair legs when they fight, since they are the optimal blend of not helpful and completely useless.


2. It’s really hard to get them to associate you with food / good things when they are totally uninterested in treats.

3. . . . But have a weird fascination with potato chips and Gilmore Girls.

4. Feliway is the shit but it only goes so far. It’s also really, really expensive. It’s like kitten roofies. You will snuggle your kitten and think, “Kitty does not consent. Sad. I do it anyway.”

Cosmo was calmed by the scent of Feliway, but plotting my death all the same.

5. People lie to shelters about where they got the kittens, so there’s no guarantee your kittens aren’t hella feral and totally not into people. Or more likely, barn cats. Cool with playing with you; not cool with being touched.


6. Kittens enjoy pooping for an audience.

7. They will feel safer with you around but won’t want to admit it by doing something so desperate as to rub up against your leg.


8. They chirp when they want to know where the other one is. Did you know kittens chirp? Because I did not. I would have gotten kittens a long time ago if I knew they chirped.

9. For days you will be able to tell them apart because one is a little bigger than the other. Then the other one will catch up overnight, just to spite you.


Cosmo grew overnight just to piss me off.

10. You will pick their names in the end because you’re tired of talking about it. You will then realize there’s probably a neighborhood in Brooklyn with approximately 10,000 siblings that share those two names and immediately feel like a fraud.


11. Not all cats are into boxes. The internet is a lie.


Clementine says, “I see there are many free boxes to play with. I will perch here, on this twelve dollar toy, and contemplate all the things I could play with but refuse to because you are trying to photograph me, fool.”

UPDATED 5/26/2016: 11 Things I Am Still Learning About My Damn Cats

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