Oops! They did it again! This time, "they" is US Weekly and Perez, who both announced the triumphant implantation of an egg fertilized by sperm into the blood-rich lining Jennifer Aniston's baby cave.

Aniston's reps denied the rumors—at this point that's probably 1/3 of their actual job—and there was released a prolonged and condescending sigh among tabloid readers as they shook their heads dolefully and tweeted something about how happy they wish Jennifer could be, the poor thing.

Advertisement

But the fact remains—I was cheated. The Aniston camp's quick quashing of this hackneyed rumor has brought to light that I may never live to see the ACTUAL Aniston pregnancy headlines. And so, I have decided not to wait and to make this happen on my own—Jennifer would want it that way.

1) Jenn Is Pregnant! Jealous Angelina Plots New Adoption to Keep Brad!

2) Jenn Is Pregnant! How She'll Lose the Baby Weight to Win Back Brad!

3) Jennifer Aniston Is Pregnant! "It's Mine!" Says Repentant Brad!

4) Jennifer Is Pregnant! "It's Mine!" Says Wicked Angelina, Desperate to Win Custody Somehow, Because We All Still Hate Her When We're Talking About Poor Lonely Jennifer, Right?

Advertisement

5) Aniston Pregnant! Courtney Cox and David Schwimmer Godparents! "I'll Be There For You, Baby Aniston!" Say the Friends Co-Stars!

6) Jennifer Aniston: "I'm Pregnant, But I'm Thinking Abortion!"

7) Aniston to Swim Upriver to Spawn Where She Was Hatched! Salmon Birthing Fad Taking Hollywood By Storm!

8) The Nursery! The Baby Clothes! The Genetically Engineered Android Nanny! Jennifer Gets Ready For Baby (And Why Brad and Angie Are Calling a Lawyer)!

9) Jennifer Aniston With Child! Satan is his father and his name is Adrian! He shall overthrow the mighty and lay waste their temples! He shall redeem the despised and wreak vengeance in the name of the burned and the tortured! Hail, Adrian! Hail, Satan! Hail, Satan!

10) Jennifer Aniston Is Pregnant: Prophecy Fulfilled and the Curse Is Broken! Magazines No Longer Doomed to Write Speculative and Invasive Articles About Women's Reproductive Choices!

... Hey: a girl can dream...