The first GOP debates in the 2016 election are now over and done for a whole fifteen minutes, and now it’s time to guess what happens next, because elections are fun and all (I love my “I Voted” sticker!) but what’s really fun is pretending to be a political psychic. Wearing my bedraggled Republican hat that’s been in my closet since 2003, I’ve decided that the whole future of the ten candidates on the stage Thursday night is as follows (because let’s be honest, not all of these guys are actually running for president).

1. Christie: Actually running for president.

2. Rubio: Running for president some other time in the future.

3. Trump: Running to be Bill O’Reilly, except less entertaining than my fighting cats, so a three season O’Reilly.

4. Huckabee: Running to be an elder statesman.

5. Jeb!: Seems like somebody’s smart-ish uncle; is running for Vice President.

6. Cruz: Running for Vice President some time in the future, but less interesting than the piece of cheese my boyfriend brought me when Cruz was talking about Iran.

7. Paul: Running to be a senator forever.

8. Carson: Running for Surgeon General. Is this too obvious? I feel like this is embarrassingly obvious, so I must be missing something.

9. Kasich: Running for Secretary of State, I guess? Something in the cabinet.

10. Walker: Just run away. The SNL impersonations will be too easy (looks cross-eyed and licks the inside of his lips with his jaw hanging open) and seems to want a new Cold War. Did have a good Clinton zinger, but it’s not like that’s hard or anything.

Side note:

The Meryl Streep rock and roll movie advertisements seemed weird to me. What’s the focus group research that said that was a smart use of advertising dollars?

Image via Gage Skidmore / Wikimedia Commons.