Attempting to at least. Please don't yell at me if my updates are shitty or out of date or if I don't post your comments like Mr. Hippity used to because I'm just trying this here in the Powder Room.

Also I haven't watched any of the other episodes this season, so I literally have no clue what the fuck is going on. This should be fun!! Here we go:

7:02 Central Time Zone thing: Alright. I finally figured out how to get this station on my cable box in Hi Def, which is what all the kids are watching TV in these days, or so I hear. WHOA GORDON RAMSEY LOOKS FUCKING TERRIFYING. WHOA.

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7:03 in the P to the M.: Gordon Ramsey says he's doing something entirely new that he's never done before. Don't worry if you're just tuning in, you won't miss because it is exactly like every other thing he has ever done before. SIDENOTE: Why do these shows always say "THIS IS SOMETHING WE'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE" and then all they end up doing is eliminating slightly more or less people than they usually do? Unless Gordon Ramsey is about to pull a Triceratops out of his own ass, we've seen this before.

7:05 not-in-the-morning: Oh they're playing "ladies" against the men. Oh good, they haven't abandoned their ridiculous sexist bullshit. We know how the peoples hatez change.

7:09 "The ladies find their ingredients underwhelming" OH GURL, don't we all.

7:14 OK I've got some important HK related news for everyone: Apparently this is the first ever Chinese food challenge in Hell's Kitchen and after losing four straight challenges the men are desperate to break their losing streak but Anthony's chow mein has the blue team feeling very concerned.

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7:17 Award-winning Chef Martin Yan comes out introduced by a team of dancing Chinese dragons. OK.

7:18 Dan apparently "lived in Asia for a year." Wow, he lived in the whole continent? That alone deserves a point, Gordon!! No? His food takes like shit? Really? Damn.

7:23 The ladies lost. Now they have a sad. And they have to fold dumplings as punishment. The men get to go play paintball dressed in camo like those guys who hang out at the check cashing place mumbling about how Obama stole their teeth.

7:25 You guys don't go to that check cashing place, do you? Yeah that's probably a good idea. It's not a fun place to be, trust me.

7:30 Oh shit, his name is Ramsay. Why didn't you guys tell me? Where the fuck is a grammar Nazi when you need one?

7:35 OK everyone. The fake restaurant is open and all the fake restaurant diners are walking in, getting ready to sit down for their fake dinners. So much riding on this right now.

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7: 37 Take a drink every time the announcer says that one of the chefs "checks their chicken." Wait—no. Don't do that. You'll die of alcohol poisoning and I wouldn't want that on my head.

7:40 The chef table on the ladies side has a famous celebrity. I know he is famous because the announcer said so and I have no idea who the hell he is. But that shouldn't be an actual fame-barometer of any sort, because I never know who anyone famous is. My idea of a world famous celebrity is Dolly Parton, so take everything I say about celebrity with a grain of salt.

7:44 The men's table has Rex Lee. I fucking adore him.

7:54 Didn't watch the last 10 minutes of the show; my dog was licking this part of the carpet and I was trying to figure out why. (Turns out I spilled some wine there)

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7:55 Some people are getting yelled at by Gordon Ramsay because their food was terrible and they are promising to do every thing and give their utmost if he lets them stay. Because they were just half-assing it along hahaha.

7:59 One of the blonde ladies got eliminated. I bet her family will be devastated they won't get to see her be called an idiot on national TV for the next few weeks.

Well, I guess it's over. Wow. This show is literally the worst thing ever. Why did we watch this? Was there not a rerun of Rizzoli and Isles on? Well, until next time (NO NEVER AGAIN) enjoy your fake dinners and cursing, everyone.