Do you feel like something is missing in your life? Is each day marked by an absence of smashed patriarchy? It sounds like what you need is a Bitchin' Awesome Bitches' Coven Party!

A while ago, some feminazis like myself created a Facebook group where we could get together to discuss, well, you know, feminism. Equal rights, a life free from sexual assault and objectification, women's health issues, the takedown of MANkind, drive-through abortions, our secret initiation ritual involving the blood of male virgins and a dance of worship to our goddess, that kind of thing. We decided to arrange our first monthly takedown of the patriarchy meeting for the day before Valentine's Day, which, as everyone knows, is officially GALentine's Day and reserved for doing fun things with your best girl friends. Uteruses before duderuses and all that.

We talked, we drank wine, we drank some more wine. My dog put his penis on everyone (PATRIARCHY!). Fun times were had by all. Many of the details of what happened that night cannot be shared for reasons which may or may not be related to a blood promise, but what I can share is the run-up. Without further ado: here is how to host your own Bitchin' Awesome Bitches' Coven Party.

Prepare Your Home

Books and advice columns of yesteryear would have had you, woman that you are, slaving from dawn until dusk to maintain a perfectly immaculate house at all times, without forgetting to put a fresh ribbon in your hair and apply makeup before your husband came home from his hard day of being a penis-owner. But no more! Now, women are allowed to have messy homes. The first step in hosting a Bitches' Coven Party is to have a messy home. A clean home is a sign of the patriarchy. Call a strike in remembrance for precious female hours lost slaving away with a duster and polish. Let your guests pick their way through discarded toys and socks while you sip your wine nonchalantly. It is a sisterhood-building experience.
(This is a wonderful cover story for if you have spent the whole afternoon cleaning your home, only to have your toddler mess it all up again thirty seconds before showtime.)

Prepare the Food

For the Nacho Property So Treat Me Like Your Equal main dish, preheat your oven to 450F. Scatter tortilla chips in a baking dish. On the stove, brown a package of ground beef with one packet of taco seasoning. Stir in a tin of tomatoes, some chopped jalapenos and diced onions. Spread the delicious meaty sauce over the tortilla chips. Top with half a tin of queso and a 4oz package of shredded Mexican blend cheese. Bake for twenty minutes or so until everything is melted and gooey, OR, alternatively, drink a lot of wine and take the nachos out when you remember them. (Image lovingly stolen from Google, because if I forgot to take the nachos out of the oven do you think I remembered to get a picture?)

Maybe she's poor because she's only paid 78% of what a man is paid for the same work? Maybe she's poor because she finds her opportunities limited, almost as though there is some sort of invisible glass barrier or ceiling blocking her path to greatness? Maybe she's poor because it's actually really expensive owning a uterus, what with the tampons and the marked-up hygiene products and the clothing and societal ideals of beauty which cost a fortune to maintain? Whatever the reason, show solidarity for your fellow woman with Poor Woman's Roe (v. Wade). Finely chop a red onion and two red bell peppers. Toss in a tin of drained sweetcorn and drained tomatoes. Try not to forget the black eyed peas, as I did, as they give it the roe-like appearance. Throw in 8oz of Italian dressing, stir, and leave to sit for a few hours so all the flavors can mingle. Best served with tortilla chips.

One of our coven makes the most addictive, smack-your-grandma (except, don't actually smack your grandma, or anyone for that matter) guacamole. You could even call it... Notorious R.B.G. (Really Bangin' Guacamole). I asked her for the recipe and was told: "take avocado and my secret ingredients. Make guacamole". You should be able to recreate her recipe pretty easily if you can track down real unicorn tears and have the Chupacabra itself howl at your guac under a blue corn moon before serving. If you can't recreate her guacamole - and women have died trying! - have no fear. Label it with a witty pun and supply your guests with wine, and no one will know.

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Being made of sugar and spice and all things nice, women of course need desserts for sustenance. Two types of cookies, a passionfruit cheesecake and a chocolate cake should just about cut it. Ice cream should be kept on hand in case of emergencies.

Some snacks may have been purchased just for the pun opportunity.

Prepare the Male Tears Drinks Station

We had wine by the vat, both red and white, and Coke for those who were driving. The drinks choice is, of course, personal, but all pun opportunities presented should be taken. It's, like, the rules of feminism.

We had this bunting hanging above our drinks station. I stabbed myself a few times making the little bastard holes for the thread to go through, so female tears were shed over this sign. Patriarchy!

Speaking of which:

When throwing a themed party, by all means use your child's toys as an extension of the decor. Grasp at those straws, a little like how women are still grasping for opportunities and a voice even though it's 2015 and this is really basic stuff that we want.

Have Fun and Take a Picture

* Artist's impression