We're a couple of years from another presidential election, but it's always political season in the U.S. Midterm primaries are coming and so is summer, so let's get things heated up by counting down the 44 hottest male presidents this great nation has had to offer. Do we like their politics? Who cares, when we can judge their value based on their adherence to a media-driven social standards for attractiveness? We're not pundits, bro! Now, without further ado, let's count down The 44 HOTTEST Male Presidents in U.S. History!

44. John Adams

Order: 2nd (1797-1801)
Party: Federalist
Pros: To be honest, there's not much. Dresses well?
Cons: Everything else.

43. Millard Fillmore

Order: 13 (1850-1853)
Party: Whig
Pros: He's the schlub you meet up with for a quick bang when you're feeling down, because he's always available and he gives it his all.
Cons: Not a take-charge kind of guy; even his friends don't want him around.

42. Chester A. Arthur

Order: 21st (1881-1885)
Party: Republican
Pros: No duty will be neglected.
Cons: No adventurous project. Also, those sideburns.

41. Benjamin Harrison

Order: 23rd (1889-1893)
Party: Republican
Pros: Great rebound after you dump that lunkhead.
Cons: That lunkhead is just so damn appealing.

40. John Quincy Adams

Order: 6th (1825-1829)
Party: Democratic-Republican
Pros: Will try the weird stuff - the first president to be photographed.
Cons: Vain - it was a selfie. Plus, the sideburns.

39. Martin Van Buren

Order: 8th (1837-1841)
Party: Democratic
Pros: Eyes and experience.
Cons: More fucking sideburns - and what sideburns they are.

38. Andrew Johnson

Order: 17th (1865-1869)
Party: National Union
Pros: Can step in when the last guy finishes with an early shot.
Cons: Embarrasses you in front of your friends and all the senators.

37. Lyndon Johnson

Order: 36th (1963-1969)
Party: Democratic
Pros: Huge dick.
Cons: Huge dick.

36. Zachary Taylor

Order: 12th (1849-1850)
Party: Whig
Pros: They didn't call him "Old Rough and Ready" for no reason.
Cons: Inexperienced and doesn't last very long.

35. Abraham Lincoln

Order: 16th (1861-1865)
Party: Republican
Pros: Delivered the nation out of a costly and brutal civil war, ending slavery and preserving the Union.
Cons: Not good-looking.

34. Richard Nixon

Order: 37th (1969-1974)
Party: Republican
Pros: You in some trouble? Nixon won't dime you out.
Cons: Will steal all your shit. Also really sweaty.

33. Harry Truman

Order: 33rd (1945-1953)
Party: Democratic
Pros: Those little glasses really might do it for you.
Cons: Always fighting with someone. Also killed hundreds of thousands of people with an atomic bomb.

32. John Tyler

Order: 10th (1841-1845)
Party: Independent
Pros: Probably rocking an awesome bod under those stuffy duds.
Cons: He's really only around because the guy you really liked bailed and it's the end of the night.

31. Herbert Hoover

Order: 31st (1929-1933)
Party: Republican
Pros: The honeymoon period is going to be amazing.
Cons: That last guy you date before you finally get your shit together. Also, a little chunky.

30. Dwight Eisenhower

Order: 34th (1953-1961)
Party: Republican
Pros: Military man.
Cons: Lost the space race to the Soviets; also kind of looks like an alien.

29. Thomas Jefferson

Order: 3rd (1801-1809)
Party: Democratic-Republican
Pros: Wrote the Declaration of Independence, strong chin, probably has a bunch of two-dollar bills.
Cons: Bad with money. Thinning hair; also a rapist.

28. Theodore Roosevelt

Order: 26th (1901-1909)
Party: Republican
Pros: Will explore EVERYWHERE.
Cons: Rough rider.

27. Grover Cleveland

Order: 22nd (1885-1889)
Party: Democratic
Pros: Honest, courageous, firm, independent, and of common sense.
Cons: A little thick.

26. Grover Cleveland

Order: 24th (1893-1897)
Party: Democratic
Pros: You tried it with that other guy, but you can't resist the pull of the Grovester.
Cons: Still a little thick.

25. Franklin Roosevelt

Order: 32nd (1933-1945)
Party: Democratic
Pros: The New Deal, looks badass with a cigarette holder.
Cons: After three times, you just want the guy to finish up and go home. Dude can't take a hint.

24. James Polk

Order: 11th (1845-1849)
Party: Democratic
Pros: Attractive, confident; subject of a They Might Be Giants song.
Cons: Mullet.

23. George Washington

Order: 1st (1789-1797)
Party: None - MAVERICK.
Pros: Father of our nation; that business with Valley Forge and the Potomac River.
Cons: Bad teeth; refused a third term (lacks ambition).

22. William Henry Harrison

Order: 9th (1841-1841)
Party: Whig
Pros: Piercing eyes; too cool to stay president.
Cons: Lasts less time than anyone else.

21. George W. Bush

Order: 43rd (2001-2009)
Party: Republican
Pros: Gregarious; friendly; all your guy friends want to have a beer with him.
Cons: Doesn't wear condoms; when he "accidentally" puts it in the wrong place, it's an actual accident because he has no idea how things work down there.

20. Calvin Coolidge

Order: 30th (1923-1929)
Party: Republican
Pros: Decisive; looks great in a suit.
Cons: Doesn't talk; kind of a weirdo.

19. George H.W. Bush

Order: 41st (1989-1993)
Party: Republican
Pros: Our most adorable president.
Cons: If you get pregnant, you end up with W.

18. Woodrow Wilson

Order: 28th (1913-1921)
Party: Democratic
Pros: That button-down look is hiding a tiger in the sack; if he needs money, he'll just create the federal reserve.
Cons: Bad teeth and virulent racism, a combination that rarely surprises.

17. William McKinley

Order: 25th (1897-1901)
Party: Republican
Pros: That's one hell of a knowing look.
Cons: Always wants to hang out on the front porch.

16. James Buchanan

Order: 15th (1857-1861)
Party: Democratic
Pros: Cuts a dapper, Lord Grantham-like figure.
Cons: The confirmed bachelor is a confirmed pushover.

15. Ronald Reagan

Order: 40th (1981-1989)
Party: Republican
Pros: Movie-star looks, landslide victories, oversized charisma.
Cons: Really, really old. Gross.

14. William Taft

Order: 27th (1909-1913)
Party: Republican
Pros: President, Chief Justice, and a little extra in all the right places.
Cons: Snores crazy loud.

13. Jimmy Carter

Order: 39th (1977-1981)
Party: Democratic
Pros: Gets all sweaty building a house, but still has the motor running.
Cons: Breath smells like peanuts.

12. James Madison

Order: 4th (1809-1817)
Party: Democratic-Republican
Pros: Father of the Bill of Rights, author of the Federalist Papers, Congressman, Secretary of State, President.
Cons: Short (5'4"); counted slaves as 3/5 of a person, is physically 3/5 of a person.

11. Andrew Jackson

Order: 7th (1829-1837)
Party: Democratic
Pros: Legitimate badass; appeals to the common man.
Cons: As long as the common man is a man. And white. And he will systematically murder everyone who looks like you if you're not. Also, those eyebrows.

10. Warren Harding

Order: 29th (1921-1923)
Party: Republican
Pros: Looks like Mr. Carson, if you're into that sort of thing.
Cons: Looks like Mr. Carson, if you're not into that sort of thing.

9. James Monroe

Order: 5th (1817-1825)
Party: Democratic-Republican
Pros: The last one to wear a powdered wig, tricorne and knee breeches - a man that knows the classic look is always in.
Cons: Probably a hipster.

8. Bill Clinton

Order: 42nd (1993-2001)
Party: Democratic
Pros: The man could talk his way into Bill Donohue's bed. Probably has.
Cons: Probably hitting on your roommate right now.

7. James Garfield

Order: 20th (1881-1881)
Party: Republican
Pros: Jesus, those eyes.
Cons: Yells at you if you try to pay with cash.

6. Gerald Ford

Order: 38th (1974-1977)
Party: Republican
Pros: Swagger, athleticism, beautiful blue eyes - Ford's got it all.
Cons: Always your second choice.

5. Ulysses S. Grant

Order: 18th (1869-1877)
Party: Republican
Pros: Rocked a beard like no president before or after.
Cons: Whiskey dick.

4. John F. Kennedy

Order: 35th (1961-1963)
Party: Democratic
Pros: The man could talk his way into Bill Clinton's bed. Probably has.
Cons: (tasteless assassination joke - I'm not a monster)

3. Rutherford B. Hayes

Order: 19th (1877-1881)
Party: Republican
Pros: Mmm, that B must stand for BABE. Can't argue with any of that. Like Drew Brees without that thing on his face.
Cons: Probably a cheater.

2. Barack Obama

Order: 44th (2009-present)
Party: Democratic
Pros: There's not much to take issue with here. Gorgeous smile, great dad, carries himself with grace and cool, President Obama is seriously hot. Is there anything keeping this guy from being the sexiest male president of all time?
Cons: Mom jeans.

1. Franklin Pierce

Order: 14th (1853-1857)
Party: Democratic
Pros: Gorgeous, charming, polite, thoughtful, popular...Franklin Pierce is the kind of boy you can take home to mom and then take home to bed.
Cons: Something about inexorably driving the nation toward civil war or something. I'm no political expert. He's inexorably driving the nation toward sexytimes.


So there you have it. 44 presidents, ranked and filed by the only reasonable criteria by which to judge men: their suitability as sexual partners. Agree? Disagree? Tell us what president makes you want to have a party in your pants.

Joshua David can be found on Twitter at @joshuaadavidd.