Darren Wilson Was Afraid

On August 9, Darren Wilson was afraid. He says he feared for his life. The man who killed Michael Brown feared for his life. That's why he killed Michael Brown. That's why (and totally not because of racism) the grand jury chose not to indict Wilson.

Based on the photos of his injuries, Wilson truly did have reason to fear for his life. Brown was able to inflict an orbital blowout fracture on Wilson. For those not in the know, orbital blowout fractures limit your ocular movement (so no ability to look in certain directions, for instance) and are severe enough to generally require surgery. They're also not pretty to look at (warning: Google Image results). Looking at Wilson above, let's hope he recovers soon. He appears to have had a hell of a time of it.

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Not only did Brown inflict that fracture, but he bruised Wilson up pretty good too.

That's the right side of Wilson's face all beat up. A damn shame. Now, I can hear your objections. So what if Brown punched him? That doesn't justify deadly force.

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It doesn't. Not normally. But in this case, a punch to the right side of Wilson's face definitely merits deadly force. And I'll tell you why: because Darren Wilson had good reason to believe that Michael Brown was a motherfucking sorcerer.

Darren Wilson was in the driver's seat of his car, he says, when Michael Brown attacked him. To my British friends out there, the driver's seat in American cars places the left side of your face in proximity to the window. The right side of your face is snugly nestled in the middle of the car space, caressed by a gentle breeze from the air conditioner. The left side of your face is exposed to the elements, and to glass windows. What I'm saying is that while your right cheek is living in luxury, the left cheek is living life on the edge, always on the verge of possible injury.

Michael Brown, to attack Wilson and hurt him there, would have to pull off a superhuman feat of magic. And somehow, he did. I don't know what he did. He could have cast Bigby's Crushing Hand for all I know, but the fact is Michael Brown was a sorcerer. And there's no way you don't fear for your life when you get attacked by a sorcerer.

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So he had to shoot. Assault by magic is assault with a deadly weapon in anybody's book. That's just common sense.

Why Brown only cast the one spell will remain a mystery to me and to us all.

There you have it. The story the media won't cover. Darren Wilson really was afraid for his life. And he was afraid because he had just stumbled onto some Harry Potter business, and found that magic was not only real, but dangerous.

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I mean, it's either that or Wilson was afraid he would get caught in a lie about deliberately overreacting to a situation and killing an unarmed black kid for no good reason, and so he had someone give him a good punch before he got to the medical examiner so he would have some kind of injury to point to when people started questioning his story, but he wasn't smart enough to direct them to hit the left side of his face so it would hold up.

I mean, that's totally possible. But come on. Is that really more likely than magic?