The odds are such that you've likely seen the news about the Miss Universe pageant. If not, don't worry, pageants remain one of the weirdest things that human beings continue to do to other human beings, so I understand not paying attention.
However, I happened to stumble upon an imgur gallery of practically every single entrant's national costume, and decided that they deserved a review. Not the kind of review that asks, "is this indicative of national character?" or "how does this showcase her physical beauty?" Nope. My review is going to be based on, "What can I snark about?"
Because hey, it's me.
Note: no body shaming or direct comments on the pageant entrants themselves. This is about the crazy costumes and what they say. I'm costume-shaming. The best kind of shaming.
And away we go...
"Hey I have a great idea for the costume! How about we add a pair of pumps to an otherwise traditionalish costume, and then it's sexy! Brilliant, no?"
"My headgear gives a +3 bonus to authenticity!"
"I AM THE ZERG. Now you will know the fury of the Queen of Blades!"
They said you couldn't make a shiny owl hat look sexy. They said you couldn't murder 100 birds for just a pair of shoulder pauldrons. They were wrong.
"OK, look, we were out of ideas so we just outsourced everything to an elementary school art class. Whatever, m8."
"This is good and functional and efficient."
"This costume also doubles as a potted houseplant! Think green, everyone!"
"Eh. Stick some feathers on a bikini. We got this shit."
"Everyone knows that bikini armor is the best armor."
"Idiot, when we said we wanted an assload of feathers, we didn't mean load up her ass with feathers! WTF are we supposed to do with a featherbutt? Whatever, fuck it, get her out there."
British Virgin Islands
"Is Aladdin still a thing? Because I fucking LOVE Aladdin. Let's go with that."
"Fuck it, we got nothing. Just go traditional."
"I don't know what you're talking aboot when you say this doesn't make sense. We're Canada, eh. This is us, guy."
"Fuck you. I'm awesome. That is all."
"Meh. Needs more red and jade."
"Wait, people think of what when they hear Colombia? Nah. Go with umbrellas instead."
"Universal said we couldn't use dinosaurs, so we went with toucans. Close enough."
"Seriously guys, when all the other European countries go with the long traditional dresses, we can go really leggy and... OH FUCK YOU BELGIUM."
"This dress brought to you by: bad mixed drinks and day after regrets!"
"Why are you making me wear a taco? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"
"Who says you can't bring a little religion into a beauty pageant?"
"Thousands of proud years of Incan civilization summed up in one awesome bikini."
"Well, we can't have her wear a pyramid, so go Cleopatra instead. Close enough."
"Worst poncho ever."
"Wait, she has to walk up to a mic and do what now?"
"If they can't see, they can't judge negatively. BLIND THEM WITH THE POWER OF FINNISH WHITENESS."
"Fuck you, we are French."
I actually like this one for some reason. I'm making an exception. Deal.
"Pearls. Pearls everywhere."
"EVERYONE LOVES 99 LUFTBALLOONS."
"What now, Angola? HUH?!"
"Great Britain: being awkwardly British since forever."
"How about we do Greek cosplay instead? Good? Great!"
"Wait, this isn't a Mad Max costume context? Well, shit..."
"And suddenly the sound of thousands of neckbeards getting aroused grossed out the entire world."
Part 2 to come later!